


Kiss the cold, white envelope, press my lips against his name

by Girl_Back_There



Series: That Girl's First Stucky Bingo! [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, First Kiss, Hurt Bucky Barnes, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers/His Guilt, Stucky Bingo 2020, Talk of homophobia, Trauma, minor homophobia, talk of wartime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:08:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26666470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Girl_Back_There/pseuds/Girl_Back_There
Summary: Sitting in a room at the Wakandan Palace King T’Challa graciously put him in, Steve stares at a box. Its contents untouched for over 70 years now. ‘Sargent James Buchanan Barnes’ is all that is on the label.Steve sits and stares at the box of Bucky’s things trying to find the courage to open it. He couldn’t after waking up five years ago. 67 years had passed since Bucky died and it felt like he watched Bucky fall only a few weeks before. He still couldn’t open it even after SHIELD’s collapse into HYDRA two years ago. When Steve found out Bucky was still alive.But he needed to open it now to help his best friend.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: That Girl's First Stucky Bingo! [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1940272
Comments: 4
Kudos: 74
Collections: Quote Prompt Memes, Stucky Bingo 2020





	Kiss the cold, white envelope, press my lips against his name

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [Rox08](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rox08/pseuds/Rox08) in the [quoteonlyprompts](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/quoteonlyprompts) collection. 



> Title: Kiss the cold, white envelope, press my lips against his name  
> Creator: Girl_Back_There  
> Card number: 063  
> Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26666470  
> Square filled: D4 Love Letters  
> Rating: Teen and Up  
> Archive warnings: Minor talk of homophobia  
> Major Tags: Post-Captain America: Civil War, Steve Rogers/His Guilt, Angst, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug  
> Summary: Steve stares at a box. Its contents untouched for over 70 years now. ‘Sargent James Buchanan Barnes’ is all that is on the label.  
> Word count: 2663

Sitting in a room at the Wakandan Palace King T’Challa graciously put him in, Steve stares at the box Natasha rescued from the Avengers Compound before she disappeared. Its contents untouched for over 70 years now. 

‘Sargent James Buchanan Barnes’ is all that is on the label.

Some of it is belongings from his time with both the 107th and the Howling Commandos. Jones had been kind enough to box Bucky’s things up after… (Steve can hardly bring himself to think of it again.)

After the fall. 

After Bucky’s fall.

While Steve was burying himself in the task of taking down The Red Skull, Peggy had sent the box to Brooklyn. To Bucky’s parents and sister.

Not long after waking up, Fury brought him the box from storage. He explained Bucky’s family added a few of his favorite belongings. They had planned to give the box to Steve when he returned from the war. When they were all gone, Howard stored it away at the SHIELD Archives with the rest of Steve’s belongings. 

The night the Commandos returned to London with Zola in tow, while Gabe was putting Bucky’s belongings in a box, Steve sat in a bombed-out bar trying to get drunk. Trying to forget his best friend was dead because of him. It was the same bar where Steve asked Bucky to follow him. Effectively signing Bucky’s death note. Steve sat there drinking, wishing he could give it all back just to have the man he loved back with him. To have taken the chance in telling him how much Bucky meant to him.

Be careful what you wish for, Steve.

Because now all of it is gone. The Howling Commandos. Howard. SHIELD. Tony. The Avengers. Peggy.

But he has his Bucky once again. Or, at least, he has something like his Bucky. 

And he is hopeful he could be his Bucky once again. Shuri is working to free Buck’s mind from Hydra’s control. And he knows who Steve is. He remembers their life together. Or parts of it. Steve may just have that second chance to finally tell Buck how he truly feels for him.

“Letters you wrote to each other or from his family. Photographs. Trinkets,” Princess Shuri tells Steve. “These can help him find more of the man he was. Help him break Hydra conditioning.”

So, Steve sits and stares at the box of Bucky’s things trying to find the courage to open it. He couldn’t after waking up five years ago. 67 years had passed since Bucky died and it felt like he watched Bucky fall only a few weeks before. He still couldn’t open it even after SHIELD’s collapse into HYDRA two years ago. When Steve found out Bucky was still alive. 

But he needed to open it now to help his best friend.

28 years of life in one box. Steve just hopes it will be enough. 

Inside, Steve finds a multitude of memories coming at him. Bucky’s metals from when he would box at the Y. A ticket stub from the ’43 Stark Expo. The last night they spent together before Bucky had shipped out. Old drawings Bucky had kept of Steve’s. The lighter Bucky won off of Jones in a hand of poker. A couple of photographs of them together. One taken in ‘42. Steve so small and skinny next to Bucky. And one taken in ‘44. Steve just a couple of inches taller than Buck, his shoulders so broad they don’t fit inside the confines of the photograph. What a difference two years made in both of their lives. But in both photographs, they shared the same smile. The one that contained all of their secrets together. Those stolen moments of passion together. 

Towards the bottom of the box, Steve saw what looked like a few unopened envelopes banded together. They were addressed to him. From Bucky. The return addresses were various Army outposts in Europe during the war.

After Azzano, Bucky confessed how hurt he was Steve never wrote to him. Steve couldn’t write to him. If he had, then Bucky would have known Steve found a way to enlist and would have gone AWOL in order to come home and kill him. There was no way Steve could explain what he had volunteered for in a letter. 

No, Steve never wrote to Bucky. And Bucky never mentioned he had written to Steve. The letters sat, unopened in the apartment the two men shared while Steve was in New Jersey training, on the Spangled Circuit all over the U.S., and finally in Europe. With Bucky. Howard and Peggy must have cleaned out his place after he went into the ice and added them to the box. Or maybe it was Jones helping out once again.

Steve tore into the first one. He had to know what Bucky was thinking then. Have that small piece of time before everything completely fell apart. It was postdated March 15th, 1943, not long after Bucky shipped out.

_Steve,  
It is not what I was expecting. But what was I expecting?  
England was all clouds and no sun. No wonder the Brits always look so dour.  
France is a wild place. Full of beautiful land and women willing to do whatever for a GI. All the men are in love.  
All I can see is how much these people have lost. Their homes are gone. Overrun and blown to hell by the Germans. Families missing Fathers, sons, brothers. And yet, they keep going. I guess that is all you can do.  
How is home? How is my family? I’m sure my Ma and Becca are driving you crazy trying to take care of you. Just let them, please. It helps me sleep better at night if I know they are looking after you. I know you are overly stubborn, but do it for me.  
Bucky_

A new wave of guilt Steve hadn’t felt hit him. He never meant to ignore Bucky’s family in his rush to join the war. Of course, Bucky would have told them to look after him. Mr. and Mrs. Barnes as well as Becca had always been good to Steve. 

The second letter is dated several months later.

_Steve,  
I miss you. I wish I had something from you here. A letter. A drawing. Anything. I know you hate me for leaving, but please, don’t shut me out. Ma and Becca said they haven’t heard from you in a while. Don’t shut them out too.  
How do I even explain this place to you? It makes me wish I could draw like you. But mostly glad I can’t. I don’t know if I want to memorialize this place on paper.  
How can Italy be so beautiful and devastating at the same time? All these handsomely old buildings, older than home by at least a hundred years. Some of them standing, most of them not.  
That is this place. Beauty and devastation.  
I don’t know how to explain what I have seen to you. The fighting. Bombs going off around. The way the ground rumbles when a tank rolls past.  
Sometimes, it doesn’t even seem real. Like I’m caught in a dream I can’t wake from. Not a dream. A nightmare.  
I try to not think of it. Everything I have seen. I just try to think of you. I know you want to do your part, but I am glad you are not here. That you are home.  
Because you are home, Stevie.  
~~My warm, soft home I dream of returning to. Do you dream of me too?~~  
~~I know you say you can take care of yourself after your Ma died, but all I wanted was to be with you. Come home to you.~~  
Write to me. Please.  
Bucky_

Steve can barely read the scratched-out parts, but he makes out the words in the sunlight. Guilt twists in his stomach. How could he have known Bucky was so scared out there? 

But he does know. He never asked. Steve was so excited to be in the fight. To have a chance to stand up to the bullies, he didn’t even think Bucky would have felt any different. Buck always had his back in a fight. 

When Steve thinks back, all the signs of how much the war distressed Bucky were there. Steve just refused to see them then. Bucky would always disappear for an hour or so after a firefight. Jones would go and find him, telling Steve “the Sarge just needs a minute to let the adrenalin bleed out of him. We are all a little riled up.” Buck would look pale and worn but never said anything. Then deflect any questions by mother henning over everyone. Making sure they were eating, sleeping, doing some basic hygiene. That was always Bucky. Taking care of everyone else. 

And Bucky dreamt of him. Wanted to come home to him. But he crossed those words out. Steve isn’t sure why, but he thinks he knows. 

The third and final one is dated September 23rd, 1943. Less than a month before Steve found Bucky in Azzano. Steve wasn’t sure he wanted to continue on. But he owed it to Bucky to read this last letter. 

_Stevie,  
I don’t know if I will see the end of this war. We are heading out in the morning to meet the German forces who have devastated so many other battalions. They keep pushing our forces back. Gaining more ground.  
We are told the tide has turned and we are winning the war, but it doesn’t feel like that here.  
I’m not scared. Well, I am, but I just let my thoughts drift to you. I’m done hiding what I’ve been wanting to say to you in these letters. If this is my last one, then you need to know.  
I wish I could have told you how much that first night we were together meant to me. How frightened I felt when I pressed my lips to yours. How I came alive when you kissed me back. Feeling your body pressed against mine. The feel of you underneath my hands. Tasting all of your skin.  
I wish I could see your face one last time. Kiss you one last time.  
If I don’t make it…  
I just have one last wish: don’t forget me, don’t forget what we were. Talk about me, tell our story to everybody, remember me, remember us.  
I love you, always.  
Bucky_

He loved him. Bucky loved him then. 

Steve can’t breathe, so many emotions flow through him at once. He has to lie on the floor, the weight of it all pushing him down. 

He remembered that night like it was yesterday. 

Work was difficult to find before the war had reached the U.S. And those hiring were not going to take a chance on Steve. He was always battling some ailment. Even on his healthiest days, breathing was a chore. It finally got to a point where Steve could afford his medications and his home at the same time. He had to take up Bucky’s offer to live with him. 

That first night, Steve could hardly sleep. He and Bucky had shared a bed so many times in the past, but this time it was different. Something shifted in Steve by this point. He knew he was attracted to men. Attracted to Bucky. How could he not be? 

Bucky was beautiful. Inside and out. He was charismatic, but he never used his charm in a way that was hurtful. He would make women smile and feel like they were worthy of love. The younger kids when they were in school looked up to Bucky. He would always offer sound advice on how to survive classes, help his sister and her friends with their homework. Even when Steve was picking fights, Bucky could get the bullies to back off with a smile and a joke. Make them forget that pounding on small Steve was entertaining for them. 

Those first few nights sharing a bed with Bucky, Steve could barely keep the obvious physical manifestation of his desire under control, unnoticeable to the beautiful soul sleeping right up against him. When Steve would finally fall asleep, he would inevitably wake in the morning curled around Bucky. He would move away quickly before Buck would wake, scolding himself for allowing his unconscious mind to take over and give him away. 

It was too much and Steve finally suggested they no longer share a bed. 

“Oh,” Bucky seemed hurt by the suggestion. “I can take the couch-” 

“No, this is your place,” Steve all but yelled, “you take the bed. I can sleep on the couch.” 

“I know my bed’s not that big, but I thought you were comfortable in it with me. Plus, you sleep better snuggled up against me.” 

“I’m so sorry, Buc-" 

“Stop, please. Just let me…” 

And the Bucky pressed his lips to Steve’s. 

Steve was frozen at first. Not sure if somehow this was some kind of fever dream. Bucky was kissing him! How was this real? 

He felt Bucky start to pull away, but Steve, not wanting the dream to end, leaned forward and began to kiss Bucky back. 

There were no more words that night. No more talk of sleeping on the couch. Just their hands and mouths exploring one another. Taking everything the other had to give. The first of many nights spent exploring, learning what the other liked. 

But they never talked about it. In the evenings, the talk was limited to the “yes, just like that,” “more,” and “don’t stop.” In the cold light of day, they would go about as if nothing was different than before the kiss. 

And then the war. Bucky enlisting. Steve meeting Erskine. Bucky leaving. Steve transforming. 

Oh, god. How could they have been so stupid not to say it to each other before it was too late? 

So much was different back then. The fear and hatred of anyone different. Both he and Bucky had barely gotten by then without too much thrown at them, being children of Irish and Italian immigrants. To add gay on top of it all…

As tolerant as the Commandos were, accepting Jones and Morita, would they have accepted Bucky and Steve as lovers? 

The two men continued to be together while slogging through the Western Front. The silence about what it all meant to one another continued as well. Always careful so the others didn’t find out. 

And then the fall. The ice. 

That doesn’t matter now, Steve tells himself. This isn’t the 40’s. Their being gay would be accepted in this new world they inhabit. It’s not an excuse anymore. 

But could Bucky love him now? After everything? 

Fear tells Steve to keep quiet. So much has changed. Bucky is barely Bucky now. And it doesn’t change that Buck stayed in the war for Steve. Followed him and watched his back. Scared. Alone and hurting. Because of Steve. 

Buck became the Winter Soldier because of Steve. 

Another thought pushes in. Its voice sounds like Sam or Natasha. 

_You will never know unless you tell him._

No, he can’t push that on to Bucky now. Not while he is in recovery. Not when he is trying to find who he was. Figure out his place in this new world. 

Steve can hold on to these feelings for now. Bucky isn’t going anywhere. They have time. 

One day, when Bucky is ready, Steve will tell his best guy how much he loves him. And maybe, he will be worthy enough for Buck to love him again. 

But until then, Steve will hold on tight to these letters. Be the man his best friend needs him to be to recover. He will watch Bucky’s back this time. 

Because it has been and will always be them. Together ‘til the end of the line. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading my very first Stucky Fic, which is also the very first fic I have ever published! Sorry to go completely angst on everyone my first time out. This was not the first one I wanted to publish. The other Stucky fic I've been working on quickly became a behemoth of a thing and I needed a break from it for a moment. When I saw a prompt in the Quote Prompt Memes, this idea of Bucky writing to Steve during the war started to form in my head. I had to run with it.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it! I welcome all constructive criticism. I'm sure I could use all the help I can get.


End file.
